Growing up, I had my fantasy life all planned out. Didn’t we all? I was going to go to college, get a degree in education, become a teacher, get married to a rich guy, buy a house in my dream neighborhood, have kids young so I could be the “cool mom”, and live happily ever after. I was so set on my life turning out this way and I didn’t really think there were any other options.
I was wrong.
Yes, I went to college, got my degree, and became a teacher. That part is the only part that came true. I got married, not to a rich guy, but to the most amazing guy. I don’t have a house in my dream neighborhood. I don’t even have a house, I rent an apartment in an okay neighborhood…not my dream one. I don’t have kids, don’t want kids, and will never have kids. Funnily enough, the only part of my life that I planned out is the only part of my life that makes me unhappy. My job. I followed my plan of becoming a teacher, and that is the only criteria of my fantasy that I fulfilled. And that is the only thing I doubt.
It’s funny, because growing up I always want to teach. I wanted to have my own classroom and teach in a beautiful school with great kids and colleagues. I have that. Yet I’m not sure I want it anymore. Sometimes, I get frustrated with myself because I feel like I can never be satisfied (cue Hamilton lyrics). Other times, I want to be selfish and try out a brand new industry. I know that logically, I can’t do that. I can’t leave all I know. I can’t leave the salary and security of my current job. But I can’t help wondering “what if…?”
I have my good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. When I’m going through a rough patch, I want to quit then and there. When I’m going through a pleasant patch, I can’t imagine doing anything else. I guess it’s growing pains or maybe, it’s something more. How do I know? How can I tell if this is what I’m supposed to be doing? How can I tell what else I should or even can do? All of these are unknown to me and that’s scary as hell. It’s so scary that the one part of my life that I was so sure about is the one part of my life that I am now so unsure about.
How do we know what we’re supposed to be doing in this life? How do we find that something else we crave? I don’t have the answer, but I desperately wish I did.
I guess the lesson here is, be careful what you wish for.